Thoughts

Many chapters of my life so far have not been happy or healthy.

Call it cynicism but I do still tend to plan for the worst outcome of any situation without holding the same grace for when the outcomes are good.

That being said, I have seen, felt, and lived, some of the most magical moments.

Life has a strange way of throwing you a curve ball, and no matter how much planning you attempt to achieve, it can still knock you for six.

I did not expect, at 30 years old, to be redefining myself once again, but also to be entirely redefining my way of perceiving the world, through breaking down my barriers and through re-examining the particular alchemical mess of life experiences I've had. How they've shaped who I am today, and how I can now see things with wisdom, and greater clarity.

I think it is healthy to examine oneself regularly like an MOT for a vehicle. My mental and physical being and health is an ever fluctuating ecosystem, and to think of it as otherwise has so far been very incorrect.

I am attempting to unlearn the binary, as it is a fallacy. Atleast for myself and my Neurodivergence.

I don't think, for example, I have ever been just happy, or just sad, these emotions stand in a pie chart of supporting emotions, anger, grief, joy, excitement, it is never just one.

My passions have always been spread wide but never singularly enough to be too far. But that is also fine, I may never be a world class painter but if I was handed that position tomorrow I wouldn't be contented within myself. Nor would I, I feel in any singular career like that.

Every facet I have examined about myself, my life so far, and my life going forward, gives me genuine hope. And that hope I extend to you also. Some of us find our place in the world like a duck to water, others must carve theirs with bare hands, sweat and blood. But you are not alone, and if you haven't found the puzzle piece space for yourself yet, thats fine.

I am flawed, as it is inherently human to be so. I am certainly no model of perfection but neither is the world I was brought into. The moments out of them all that is worth every second are the moments that shine like an over saturated summers day in your mind, you can almost smell it's breeze. The colourful moments of wonder, human connection, discovery.

The moments I have valued the most is being able to meet another person as simply that. Physically, merely two meat sacks connecting over their shared existence, but spiritually, a meeting of two equals, free of worldly burden, societal expectation and one's masquerade mask.

I am closer than I have ever been to discovering my truth, and only a few moments after that will I be able to live it. The excitement I feel is truly palpable. I am aware of the need to practice patience, stoically so, but I am also aware I fully deserve all of it, and I am proud of the work I am doing for myself.

Reconnecting with myself and my passions has truly reignited the spark I have had in life, to be cliché, I have found what I want to fight for. I may still bear scars, but everything comes to callous in the end. I am ready to fight for myself, be in my own corner, and carve my own place.

These last two years have ravaged all hell on my self confidence, my mental stability, and my life has detrimented sorely for it. I am happy to say I feel like it may finally be on the rise but I am making sure I am doing the groundwork to put a support system in place that should've been there a long time already.

I have, not only taught myself to be vulnerable online, and with the way I am perceived. I have also learned to be vulnerable with myself, and I am working hard on doing the same with the ones I love.

As I write, I am exhausted, my hair is a mess, my makeup has run from sobbing at romance tv (thanks Bridgerton). But I am human. I am not perfect, my flat is a mess, I am mentally so tired.

This is but another way to embrace life, c'est la vie and all that. I am perfect in my imperfections, and endlessly pursuing otherwise has done very little but make me dysmorphic in myself, depressed, and burnt out.

When I begin writing a post, it never takes the route I expect, but I have always put to words what I struggle to say aloud. If I were a better man I'd toil over every word, critique every analogy to within a prefix of its life. But I am simply me. The flaws are what keeps me human, and writing, keeps me a little more sane.