Sense of self

My mind is always desperate to contextualise feelings and the ineffable,

I have been low in myself lately, feeling out of control with my mind and my life around me.

My normal route of expressing this both internally and externally would be to paste over it and pretend it isn't there and isn't happening. It wouldn't take a genius to figure that isn't healthy.

Many mental health care professionals demonstrate some sort of container that has a ping-pong ball added to it with every life problem, only to overflow and not contain any more. I think I understood the metaphor, but failed to understand healthy ways of putting it into practice.

Newly realising I am neurodivergent has been absolutely life changing, and whilst it's certainly not been a fun or easy ride, it's already helped me learn so much more about myself and also the ways I have understood and lived my life.

I've always had a shakey sense of self, growing up, I wanted to be an actress, and therefore I wanted to be as blank a slate as possible to be able to take on deeply diverse and vibrant character roles. As I hit my teenage years this became a deep insecurity, I felt bland, a plain Jane.

This was also the time I felt my gender identity was the most important thing to become clearer with in myself. I was always a 'tomboy' as a child, not falling into what was perceived as inherently feminine traits, and despite being a cis woman, I felt alien to femininity, and when hormones and puberty hit, I took this very hard.

Since then, until even now, I don't have a solid identity for myself, I'm transient between various senses of self, personality and tastes that change with the wind. I guess I always expected to find one to become, or that some natural order to it would emerge, clearly, it did not.

Fashion sense and style are often linked with other factors, including location, music preferences, climate. My music taste was fairly plain too, although I adored, and still adore, classical music. I mainly listened to the radio and I was given the new 'Now that's what I call music' album every Christmas, so I knew the charts from the 90s and 00s. It was starting secondary school and mixing with a wider range of people that I discovered symphonic metal, a fantastic blend that felt rock and roll (to a 11 year old) as well as scratching the classical music itch. This was probably my first foray into 'goth'. Tarja Turunen, Amy Lee, I was launched into a whole new sense of self, the timeless elegance of historic fashion, blended in deeper, darker tones.

It was the mid 2000's, and I was a humble teenager, what noone would've expected to shake the western world was roaring (or should I say, RAWRing) through, and scooping up the majority of my generation.

Emo

What was briefly just 'emo' and then became emo/scene, was a outcry of the misunderstood. Whether we were misunderstood by others, or misunderstood within ourselves, we donned checkerboard Vans, striped wristwarmers and a can and a half of hairspray.

Everytime a new fad or trend captured me I was convinced "this is me". It was a cold hard fact to me that a person could only be one, and I'm still struggling to change this fundamental view despite being a living contradiction.

I wonder if it began through the original fear of being a 'poser'.

I would be amiss not to mention how romantic relationships and friendships have also impacted and formed my sense of self.

I have been chronically shaping myself to fit ergonomically with a romantic partner, and a far diluted version when it comes to personal friendships. Weakening or strengthening parts of myself to fit with another person. A projection of insecurity about my being.

Over the last few months I've been hyper-examining every detail and cog that makes up who I am, and it's given me huge clarity. I am lucky to have a healthy romantic relationship with someone who I can communicate with absolutely effortlessly, but unfortunately this is also one of the only examples of a healthy relationship that I have.

I've been:

"Too loud"

"Too quiet"

"Too antisocial"

"Too social"

"Too weird"

"Too boring"

The list goes on, but the overwhelming factor with it is I have believed it. I have then made my highest priority severing these 'unlikeable' things, thinking myself defunct.

So a cycle began of being single, vibrant, fun and living a colourful life, feeling lonely or meeting another colourful soul I connect with, changing who I am perceived to be to become what I deem their ideal match regardless of how it is different to my truths or how inauthentic it felt. I think now I can consciously determine it was a part of masking. Then when burnout hit and identity becomes uncertain, the ship is sinking and instead of jumping ship, or saving myself, I am frantically bailing water and hoping it will be okay.

I've had countless false starts in my life, because I felt like I needed a solid partnership to take any step forward.

I am not a secondary character in my own story.

I am wonderful, vibrant and unique.

It's okay to change but only on my terms and not because of other expectations of me.

These aren't the hottest of takes, but are an example of things I have to remember about myself.

I saw on a social media post somewhere that potential dates and relationships don't compete with each other for you, they compete with the peace of mind you have to be on your own, and learning to be on my own has been a challenge.

That being said it is entirely worth every moment to become strong in this field. It's a conversation directly to your soul. I've always enjoyed my alone time, but how to spend it in a way that cultivates myself and self worth is still something I'm learning.

If you can picture yourself at home, no plans, nothing to do, an afternoon and evening to yourself with absolutely anything you can be doing.

The way I would handle this was entirely to serve my partners/lovers, housework, tidying, reorganisation. Anything to be as minimal an imprint as possible. This is something I still need to unpack. I am aiming to live more purposefully and authentically to myself, be louder and less apologetic.

My plans for days and nights like this have been prefaced by making a list of all the things that make me happy, and hobbies I enjoy, and ways I like to relax and unwind. Of course things like housework and tidying can't be avoided but it needn't be my sole pursuit while I am alone.

My story doesn't stop when the other people/person leaves.

Yes, I burn out socially very quickly, but to be able to transition into the solo quest/self care time fairly quickly after somebody leaves helps my mind to freshen up, and minimises the time I spend disassociating, vegetating (very different activity than relaxing) and downwardly mentally spiralling.

This is all still a work in progress, as am I, and that's absolutely valid. But I've waffled enough for one blog post.

Take care and be kind to yourself 🫶